CRUMP AIN’T DEAD
Columbus just got a HOLE lot cooler.
"The newest old place to reopen in town."
What could be next? Beckers? Yeah, I bet you’d like a good glizzy gathering ground wouldn't you?
Frequently Asked Questions
These are completely real answers to your completely real questions!
Us Crumpers take privacy very seriously. What happens at the Crump stays at the Crump. Ya’heard? We mostly do music though I guess? Idk I’ve never actually been there. I just bought the building in hopes that I can fully renovate it into a large parking lot.
Yeah! If you come in and ask our assistant at the front desk “Make banana cry?”, we’ll get you set up with a “private lesson”.
I mean, you don't necessarily need to wear a dress to come here, but whatever floats your boat, guy.
My attorney has advised me that speaking of those bodies is strictly prohibited. How did you know about the bodies? They’re taxidermied, not mummified. We offer taxidermy services. There’s most likely a taxidermist located within the Crump. We have absolutely no idea where he is from or how he got inside, but he’s here to stay. We actually can’t get him to leave. Send help
Ticket List
Roll of the Dice Tickets - (the theatre equivalent of a creampie)
Buy a ticket - get a random show. You agree with it or you leave.
One Ticket
$25
You get a full ride scholarship to the best movie-goin' experience. For just $25 a ticket you can sit in our plastic seats and deal with whatever we put on screen.
Buckle up because it could be worse. No, we don't have "ADA" compliant seats, but we have some muscle that will lift you out of your chair and place you gently on the floor.
- Not liable for any additional injuries to already disabled and or paralyzed individuals
Two Tickets
$45
Please refer to the previous ticket section; if you disagree with our disclaimer about ADA compliance - get bent idiot lol
Anyways $5 off if you buy 2 or more tiggets.
Random Ticket + Mystery Bag
$55
Our janitor collected some things from around Columbus and threw all that junk in like 30 paper bags. These puppies have everything from catalytic converters to loose diamonds. Try your hand at a random movie and a mystery bag of fun. Oh yeah, if you buy this package you get 2 tickets and a random movie played for you and your plus one.
Mission Statement: Cum, Columbus, Cry
If you want this domain I need $3k - parody